The last entry I wrote was almost a year ago.. I read it and am amazed by how far I've come. This time last year I was scared, I had no spine, I was jello that only wiggled in the shadows and never took a step forward into light...
God has truely changed me one day at a time! He has never forsaken me (as if I thought he would) and he is constantly evolving me to be more like him. So, what has happened in this past year that has changed me so much?
Well, I was so unhappy, I was so condemed for some choices I had made right? I was so so so sick of being unhappy. I got some healing emotionally from some of my fear. I also looked at my life choices... When and how I got married. Who I chose to marry and what personality I really wanted from my husband. I realized I couldn't change the person I chose, but I could change the choice I made. I told my husband I wasn't happy and wanted to leave in the end of November 2011. It is now February and I see so much that I never saw before. So much about my choice to marry, my choice to continue in a marriage I knew couldn't ever be what I truely wanted. It's so clear now to me why I married, why I stayed, why I was unhappy, and why I ultimatly chose to leave. Though I'm sure it will never make much sense to him. It wasn't about my faith vs his faith.. It wasn't about finances, it wasn't about lack of attention... well maybe a bit of all those things... These are the things that make up a marriage. Ultimatly though I was unhappy and I had to change before I resented myself for staying any longer and resented myself for being a wuss and not stating the obvious. Emotionally I was not happy with who I chose. I came to the realization and asked the Lord for strength. He amazingly gave me strength to stick up for myself, to do what I knew was right. He helped me realize it wasn't all me who broke the vows we made on that wedding day. My husand's heart wasn't with or for me, mine wasn't with or for my husband..we both felt resentment towards eachother and I was the only one that was going to say it... "I'm just not happy here, and I don't think anything I TRY to change will change that. History has proven that, and I'm sick of this sherade!". I finally said it and I couldn't take it back... That is when I finally started to breath deaply again. The heavy heart I carried for the better part of my 7 years of marriage had been lifted. I know I hurt him in leaving, but I couldn't hurt myself anymore by staying.
I deserved joy.... My child deserved all of me...
I'm not saying my husband is a bad guy, I'm not saying I did everything right. All I'm saying is it wasn't working, and for me and my kid's sake I couldn't live unhappy anymore.
So, yes I'm living in what I like to call the crazy house. The house that holds my parents, my grandmother, and my disabled uncle. I feel like I have a curfew on the week days because if it's 11 and I'm not home i get a phone call or a text... "don't get yourself too tired, you have work tomorrow!". Sometimes this is agrivating but I know they do it out of love... and though nana and my uncle bicker over every last thing I have so much to laugh at in this crazy home! I have a built in preacher (Dad), a built in clothes matcher (Mom), a built in usless fact giver (Crazy Uncle), and a built in coupon clipper (Nana). I wouldn't trade them for the world.
Its amazing how one decision effects everything. I am more bold (which i felt I was loosing my boldness for several years in every aspect of my life). I am a better friend. I am more of ME than I have been in such a long time! I know the Lord has called me Joy...and finally I feel like I have grown into that name. Now it's time to grow mature in this new found freedom and joy.
God has truely changed me one day at a time! He has never forsaken me (as if I thought he would) and he is constantly evolving me to be more like him. So, what has happened in this past year that has changed me so much?
Well, I was so unhappy, I was so condemed for some choices I had made right? I was so so so sick of being unhappy. I got some healing emotionally from some of my fear. I also looked at my life choices... When and how I got married. Who I chose to marry and what personality I really wanted from my husband. I realized I couldn't change the person I chose, but I could change the choice I made. I told my husband I wasn't happy and wanted to leave in the end of November 2011. It is now February and I see so much that I never saw before. So much about my choice to marry, my choice to continue in a marriage I knew couldn't ever be what I truely wanted. It's so clear now to me why I married, why I stayed, why I was unhappy, and why I ultimatly chose to leave. Though I'm sure it will never make much sense to him. It wasn't about my faith vs his faith.. It wasn't about finances, it wasn't about lack of attention... well maybe a bit of all those things... These are the things that make up a marriage. Ultimatly though I was unhappy and I had to change before I resented myself for staying any longer and resented myself for being a wuss and not stating the obvious. Emotionally I was not happy with who I chose. I came to the realization and asked the Lord for strength. He amazingly gave me strength to stick up for myself, to do what I knew was right. He helped me realize it wasn't all me who broke the vows we made on that wedding day. My husand's heart wasn't with or for me, mine wasn't with or for my husband..we both felt resentment towards eachother and I was the only one that was going to say it... "I'm just not happy here, and I don't think anything I TRY to change will change that. History has proven that, and I'm sick of this sherade!". I finally said it and I couldn't take it back... That is when I finally started to breath deaply again. The heavy heart I carried for the better part of my 7 years of marriage had been lifted. I know I hurt him in leaving, but I couldn't hurt myself anymore by staying.
I deserved joy.... My child deserved all of me...
I'm not saying my husband is a bad guy, I'm not saying I did everything right. All I'm saying is it wasn't working, and for me and my kid's sake I couldn't live unhappy anymore.
So, yes I'm living in what I like to call the crazy house. The house that holds my parents, my grandmother, and my disabled uncle. I feel like I have a curfew on the week days because if it's 11 and I'm not home i get a phone call or a text... "don't get yourself too tired, you have work tomorrow!". Sometimes this is agrivating but I know they do it out of love... and though nana and my uncle bicker over every last thing I have so much to laugh at in this crazy home! I have a built in preacher (Dad), a built in clothes matcher (Mom), a built in usless fact giver (Crazy Uncle), and a built in coupon clipper (Nana). I wouldn't trade them for the world.
Its amazing how one decision effects everything. I am more bold (which i felt I was loosing my boldness for several years in every aspect of my life). I am a better friend. I am more of ME than I have been in such a long time! I know the Lord has called me Joy...and finally I feel like I have grown into that name. Now it's time to grow mature in this new found freedom and joy.
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