Oh Lord, I Need You Now!

These past two days have been the hardest days of this whole seperation/divorce process. R.J. spent my income tax return without permission of mine ($500) he gave me a check for half of that about a week ago which had promptly bounced putting me $150 in the hole. Needless to say I was pissed. i went off on him on Tuesday. He came back on me on wednesday morning (in texts) calling me a cheater and telling me how much I've hurt him. Then on Thursday he was served the divorce paperwork. Which included that I wanted full custody of Gavin. he called me a lier and went off on me. He dug into the paperwork some more and was just plain upset by it all. I think some of it he just doesn't understand really. He did get a lawyer which I'm actually thankful for. I don't want him to sign something he doesn't understand. I can give him grace on the $ thing. I can take the $650 hit...I can not let up on the full custody of my son though. RJ can not afford milk for him, he can't emotionally be healthy for him. He does not pay attention to Gavin like he should (always on his phone and always doing other things or putting Gavin in front of the TV). I can't let my kid be 2nd best to R.J. Even if it means more on me than that's what it means.

My kid is too important to me.

It's a life that is pure and innocent

I have the responsibility to keep it that way.

I know I am not perfect in all of this, I know I've hurt R.J. as well. I know I have played unfair. I am truely not saying I am. I hate that I've hurt R.J. I hate that I have broken his heart several times.. I hate that I can be such a bad example of a "good christian" women.

But true christians can admit they aren't pefrect

can ask for forgivness

and BE FORGIVEN by

GOD...

 How can I look at myself and ask for

myself for forgivness?

How can I forgive myself

for all I have done?

OH LORD I NEED YOU NOW..IN THIS EXTREME PAIN!

PLEASE BE HERE WITH ME!

Freak Out Mamma

Something within me has not been right lately… I am at the tip of a melt down, I can feel it coming.

I am bitter,

 I am untrusting,

 I am broken hearted.

I do not like the thoughts that go through my head but even worse I don't like that I can't stop from talking about these thoughts. I freak out (in my mind) about irrational things… like leaving a bottle of wiskey at Jay's house. When he tells me he promises he won't drink it I think "yeah right"

It's getting to the point that it's not fair to Jay…

I think I need to be alone… I am just not in the place where I can be healthy emotionally…let alone in a healthy relationship. But then I don't want to let Jay go… IF I ask him to wait for me is that really fair to him? Would he wait?

Maybe I'm so pensive today b/c I'm tired and maybe that's why I'm so irrational… Is this true irrationality or is this total clarity?!

I'm sick of talking about Ryan….. Just plain sick of it… but yet I can't help myself… I can't help but villifing him…when he's just a hurt puppy too…

He's more hurt than I am… what do I expect him to do?
Be unselfish and caring always putting his son first? Providing just even the basic needs for Gavin..
Why all of a sudden would things change?! Why?

I can't think about this anymore...I'm just done thinking about it!

Love it...

"Glitter In The Air"

Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?
Closed your eyes and trusted, just trusted?
Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said, "I just don't care"?

It's only half past the point of no return
The tip of the iceberg
The sun before the burn
The thunder before the lightning
The breath before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way?
Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
You're whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?

It's only half past the point of oblivionThe hourglass on the table
The walk before the run
The breath before the kiss
And the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way?

La La La La La La La La

There you are, sitting in the garden
Clutching my coffee,
Calling me sugar
You called me sugar

Have you ever wished for an endless night?
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight?
Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself will it ever get better than tonight?
Tonight

MY FEELINGS EXACTLY...IN LYRIC FORM

By Your Side

By Tenth Ave North

Why are you striving these days?
Why are you trying to earn grace?
Why are you crying?
Let me lift up your face, just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love?
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?
To where will you go child?
Tell me where will you run, to where will you run?

'Cos I'll be by your side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
And please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands at my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in and give you life
I wanna give you life

And I'll be by your side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
And please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Here at my side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
And please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

'Cause I, I love you, I want you to know
That I, yeah I love you, I'll never let you go
No, no

And I'll be by your side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
And please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Here at my side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
And please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Here at my side
My hands are holding you

** THANK YOU LORD FOR YOUR GRACE AND PRESENCE IN MY LIFE!!**

THERE YOU GO

By P!nk

Please don't come around
Talkin' bout that you love me
Cause that love shit just ain't for me
I don't wanna hear that you adore me
And I know that all you're doing is running your mind games
Don't you know that game's began
So your best bet is to be straight with me

So you say you wanna talk, let's talk
If you won't talk I'll walk, yeah it's like that
Got a new man, he's waiting out back
Now what! Whatcha' think about thatNow when I say I'm through I'm through
Basically I'm through with you
Whatcha' wanna say
Had to have it your way, had to play games
Now you're begging me to stay

There u go, lookin' pitiful
Just because I let you go
There u go, talkin' bout you want me back
But sometimes it be's like that, so
There u go, talkin' bout you miss me so
That you love me so
Why I let you go
Yeah you know cause your lies got old
Look at you, there u go

Please don't come around talkin' bout how you changed
How you said goodbye to what's her name
All it sounds like to me is new gameAnd I was right
When I thought I'd be much better off without you
Had to get myself from round you
Cause my life was all about you

So you say you wanna talk, I don't
Say you wanna change, I won't
Yeah it's like that
Had your chance, won't take you back
Now what! Whatcha' think about that
When I say I'm through, I'm through
Basically I'm through with you
Whatcha' wanna say
Had to have it your way, had to play games
Now you're begging me to stay

There u go, lookin' pitiful
Just because I let you go
There u go, talkin' bout you want me back
But sometimes it be's like that, so
There u go, talkin' bout you miss me so
That you love me so
Why I let you go
Yeah you know cause your lies got old
Look at you, there u go

Oooh, don't you wish you could turn the hands of time
Don't you wish that you still were mine
Don't you wish I'd take you back
Don't you wish that things were simple like that
Didn't miss a good thing til' it's gone
But I knew it wouldn't be long
Til' you came running back, missing my love
There you go

Stepping into the Light

The last entry I wrote was almost a year ago.. I read it and am amazed by how far I've come. This time last year I was scared, I had no spine, I was jello that only wiggled in the shadows and never took a step forward into light...

God has truely changed me one day at a time! He has never forsaken me (as if I thought he would) and he is constantly evolving me to be more like him. So, what has happened in this past year that has changed me so much?

Well, I was so unhappy, I was so condemed for some choices I had made right? I was so so so sick of being unhappy. I got some healing emotionally from some of my fear. I also looked at my life choices... When and how I got married. Who I chose to marry and what personality I really wanted from my husband. I realized I couldn't change the person I chose, but I could change the choice I made. I told my husband I wasn't happy and wanted to leave in the end of November  2011. It is now February and I see so much that I never saw before.  So much about my choice to marry, my choice to continue in a marriage I knew couldn't ever be what I truely wanted. It's so clear now to me why I married, why I stayed, why I was unhappy, and why I ultimatly chose to leave. Though I'm sure it will never make much sense to him. It wasn't about my faith vs his faith.. It wasn't about finances, it wasn't about lack of attention... well maybe a bit of all those things... These are the things that make up a marriage. Ultimatly though I was unhappy and I had to change before I resented myself for staying any longer and resented myself for being a wuss and not stating the obvious. Emotionally I was not happy with who I chose. I came to the realization and asked the Lord for strength. He amazingly gave me strength to stick up for myself, to do what I knew was right.  He helped me realize it wasn't all me who broke the vows we made on that wedding day. My husand's heart wasn't with or for me, mine wasn't with or for my husband..we both felt resentment towards eachother and I was the only one that was going to say it... "I'm just not happy here, and I don't think anything I TRY to change will change that. History has proven that, and I'm sick of this sherade!". I finally said it and I couldn't take it back... That is when I finally started to breath deaply again. The heavy heart I carried for the better part of my 7 years of marriage had been lifted. I know I hurt him in leaving, but I couldn't hurt myself anymore by staying.
I deserved joy.... My child deserved all of me...
I'm not saying my husband is a bad guy, I'm not saying I did everything right. All I'm saying is it wasn't working, and for me and my kid's sake I couldn't live unhappy anymore.

So, yes I'm living in what I like to call the crazy house. The house that holds my parents, my grandmother, and my disabled uncle. I feel like I have a curfew on the week days because if it's 11 and I'm not home i get a phone call or a text... "don't get yourself too tired, you have work tomorrow!". Sometimes this is agrivating but I know they do it out of love... and though nana and my uncle bicker over every last thing I have so much to laugh at in this crazy home! I have a built in preacher (Dad), a built in clothes matcher (Mom), a built in usless fact giver (Crazy Uncle), and a built in coupon clipper (Nana). I wouldn't trade them for the world.

Its amazing how one decision effects everything. I am more bold (which i felt I was loosing my boldness for several years in every aspect of my life). I am a better friend.  I am more of ME than I have been in such a long time! I know the Lord has called me Joy...and finally I feel like I have grown into that name. Now it's time to grow mature in  this new found freedom and joy.