Freak Out Mamma

Something within me has not been right lately… I am at the tip of a melt down, I can feel it coming.

I am bitter,

 I am untrusting,

 I am broken hearted.

I do not like the thoughts that go through my head but even worse I don't like that I can't stop from talking about these thoughts. I freak out (in my mind) about irrational things… like leaving a bottle of wiskey at Jay's house. When he tells me he promises he won't drink it I think "yeah right"

It's getting to the point that it's not fair to Jay…

I think I need to be alone… I am just not in the place where I can be healthy emotionally…let alone in a healthy relationship. But then I don't want to let Jay go… IF I ask him to wait for me is that really fair to him? Would he wait?

Maybe I'm so pensive today b/c I'm tired and maybe that's why I'm so irrational… Is this true irrationality or is this total clarity?!

I'm sick of talking about Ryan….. Just plain sick of it… but yet I can't help myself… I can't help but villifing him…when he's just a hurt puppy too…

He's more hurt than I am… what do I expect him to do?
Be unselfish and caring always putting his son first? Providing just even the basic needs for Gavin..
Why all of a sudden would things change?! Why?

I can't think about this anymore...I'm just done thinking about it!