Oh Lord, I Need You Now!

These past two days have been the hardest days of this whole seperation/divorce process. R.J. spent my income tax return without permission of mine ($500) he gave me a check for half of that about a week ago which had promptly bounced putting me $150 in the hole. Needless to say I was pissed. i went off on him on Tuesday. He came back on me on wednesday morning (in texts) calling me a cheater and telling me how much I've hurt him. Then on Thursday he was served the divorce paperwork. Which included that I wanted full custody of Gavin. he called me a lier and went off on me. He dug into the paperwork some more and was just plain upset by it all. I think some of it he just doesn't understand really. He did get a lawyer which I'm actually thankful for. I don't want him to sign something he doesn't understand. I can give him grace on the $ thing. I can take the $650 hit...I can not let up on the full custody of my son though. RJ can not afford milk for him, he can't emotionally be healthy for him. He does not pay attention to Gavin like he should (always on his phone and always doing other things or putting Gavin in front of the TV). I can't let my kid be 2nd best to R.J. Even if it means more on me than that's what it means.

My kid is too important to me.

It's a life that is pure and innocent

I have the responsibility to keep it that way.

I know I am not perfect in all of this, I know I've hurt R.J. as well. I know I have played unfair. I am truely not saying I am. I hate that I've hurt R.J. I hate that I have broken his heart several times.. I hate that I can be such a bad example of a "good christian" women.

But true christians can admit they aren't pefrect

can ask for forgivness

and BE FORGIVEN by

GOD...

 How can I look at myself and ask for

myself for forgivness?

How can I forgive myself

for all I have done?

OH LORD I NEED YOU NOW..IN THIS EXTREME PAIN!

PLEASE BE HERE WITH ME!